What’s Left of You

tumblr_n173kkeE7J1s0wieqo1_500

I remember you. I remember the beauty in your eyes and your soul, I remember the smile, I remember your heart, I remember what I wanted to protect. I remember your big strong hands, your fair skin, marked by your clumsiness and pride. I remember your head it’s wiry curled crown. I remember all that you were and all that you could be. I also remember your good intentions and painfully, your innocence in all this.

I wish I could say it’s God’s fault for making you perfect. Just perfect for me. But He had other plans for you, plans that don’t involve me. Plans to prosper you and not to undo you with my love. My love for you consumed me, and threatened to consume you too, and everything about you. My love for you which is no more, except for the dregs that circle in my mind as the memories disappear of you and me, as one.

So I remember you now, but you don’t mean the same to me. You don’t feel the same to me. I remember you… but the love that kept you safe in my mind doesn’t protect you anymore, my forgotten love.

My heart forgot you, so my mind only knows what could’ve been all those times my hands slipped over exposed skin. My soul gave up on you, so it wants to corrupt you at any given chance now won. It must burn bridges you don’t even know, because if not, one day my mind will creep in and take what was never mine, just for fun. You didn’t understand the hope you inspired, the lust you fired up. Now the love that protected you is gone,  the monster unchained, but hopefully restrained. But not too quickly. Revenge sounds fun.

It doesn’t forgive as my heart does.. it doesn’t forget like my spirit does, it doesn’t forego as my soul does. My mind seeks vengeance for a heart that was broken. I know what it wants, but I’m not willing to give it. But sometimes it justifies well what might be worthy of damnation. Visions of what could be when my lips know yours for the first to the ten hundredth time. My hands free to know you with no pretense or barrier, with or without your permission. To take what was never consummated. To steal what was never meant to be mine, just because I can, just because I might. Reach out and grab it like eve did, take a bite my body craves, so that I can eat and I will surely forget it lies.

But i know better now. Wiser and stronger thanks to your necessary absence. But still tempted each time you lean in or reach for my hand on reflex, when your leg comfortably rests pasted to mine when seated side by side. I remember what they used to mean, but I remember it in passing, of what was, and what can never be.

Please let what’s left of you peacefully fade.

Life is For the Living


Since 2010, the world is abuzz with the rise in suicide by gay teens, one of them especially because he was outed to his peers in the most compromising of ways.  I’m not surprised, even I gotta admit I had flirted with the idea a couple of times when the bullying had been particularly bad, or if I had yet another religious discussion with my family. Hardly something I could avoid, I was meant to be in school and my family was fanatical in their religious beliefs. My only options were live as I was where I was, conform to the norm, or what? run away? live on my own?? Sri Lanka isn’t one of those places you can be independent as a teen.

I was never one of those people who did a good job at lying, I’m not one those people who suddenly discovered they were gay; I was gay from as early as my toddler days, it was boys always and I have absolutely no doubt about it! So then, how do you lie about something that is such a huge part of your psyche, and keep it up all soo well? I was failing miserably right throughout my attempts.

Sometimes life got tough or even unbearable and I would just reach this point and think, why do I have to go through this hurt? Why do I have to tolerate this pain and disappointment from the world around me? People keep saying it gets better, but it looks to me like it’s just getting worse and then there would be that thought; Why bother with all this, it could end in a matter of seconds, if only I could end it all.

I guess it’s just not the gay’s and lesbians that feel the need to consider Suicide, everyone has their own problems whether they are 6 or 62. Last year around January, when I started work at my new office, two of the guys were talking about how a friend of theirs had committed suicide. I didn’t even think twice to pay attention; people die, people always and most often die, it was just a fact of life I’ve grown accustom to, even if it was a young person. I had come to a place where life and death evoked an ignorant and indifferent reaction. It disgusted me when a weekend later, I found out this was someone I had known relatively well a few years back, but sync’ed out of interaction as social circles changed.

It was no big secret in Colombo my friend Ashan had committed suicide, i was just the dumb fuck that didn’t know it was him. In a strange twist of fate, I think i was one of the last few people to talk to him, albeit on facebook a day before he took his life. He’d commented on something i posted and I messaged him saying ‘hey, long time no see…’, we chatted random nonsense, about where we were in life at the moment, and that was that, conversation just went offline. I don’t even think we were friends in the true’st sense.. he was more of a comfortable and endearing acquaintance. He was a nice boy, someone his parents and friends could be proud of knowing… gone before we even knew what was going on..

No goodbye, no ‘hey, i’m going through something’, no way of seeing his beautiful face and that pretty smile that never carried to his eyes. Not knowing that something was wrong with one of the nicest boys I ever knew, although it was random and very brief our interactions. I used to drop Ashan home sometimes, I would run into him or he’d pop up in conversation because of the many mutual friends we shared. He was sweet, funny, entertaining and yet something was just not right. You’d see it in those awkward moments of silence, when you can’t ad-lib life. A brief flash of reality that let the real Ashan out of the bag. But i was not even a friend, i never bothered more than knowing it was there. But here i was, the acquaintance with a grave full of guilt and despair over a life that was lost too early because I didn’t know him well enough. It was a terrible feeling to have, this grief of knowing someone is alive one day, and dead a few days later. To be only left with memories of fleeting hello’s and stolen moments of interaction. What was worse was the guilt, of knowing i was one of the last people to talk to him, and wondering if i could have said something to change his mind. Well, I guess we’ll never know now…

I had heard Ashan has suffered some heavy losses even before he hit his teens, I even heard his living environment wasn’t the most ideal of situations. Recently I went to visit a friend who lived a few no’s down from him and Ashan’s seemed like a nice big house; I guess it wasn’t the home he needed. And finally I had heard the truth behind his tragic and too-early demise a few months ago, and I just loathed myself for not knowing him enough to hear it and tell him life goes on.

But coming back to me, Sure i flirted with the question as well, but the answer I chose was always a resounding No. I can’t explain the exact how’s and why’s but something in me never let myself be a victim of the darkness I felt around me. I had pockets of tiny light, little gifts of hope in my God and my faith in him (no matter what anyone told me), I had friends who were loving and supportive when I couldn’t get it from my family and I had me, when all else fades, I had me… my own light brighter than the rest. A spark in me that refused to settle, refused to die, refused to be dimmed. If all of life failed me, I knew I was worth depending and holding out on. If life was going to fight me for it, I was adamant that I would give it a fight worth remembering. And i’m so happy i did… Life does get better, it got shitty before it got better, but it did get better after all.

So Ashan, life is too long to let someone live without you. I hate knowing you won’t answer my facebook messages, and my phone calls. I barely knew you, but I liked the little i knew about you, and if i could make a judgement call based on what i know, you were an awesome dude, and I wished I had the chance to get to know you better.

For anyone and everyone who I’ve never personally known who is reading this… know that you matter to the people you least expect to make an impact on, and that life has its shitty moments that make you think suicide is actually an option to consider and equally or greater moments of epic happiness and good things. I gotto admit suicide seems like a good option sometimes, and it might seem like a damn good choice in certain cases, but if you can find the strength and the courage to say you’ll give one more day a try, five more minutes a chance, 10 more seconds to smile and have a little more faith in what your life holds for you, you’ll be happy you did. And chances are, you won’t be leaving behind people who were very sad you are gone. I for one, would be one of those people.. =)

So Tyler Clementi, and all the other suicides that have happened, so sad you had to go… but know that the It gets better project, and this post would never be around if it weren’t for your suicide; so something good did come of it, just wish it didn’t have to be at your expense. It’s sadness that you are not in this world, finding love, sexing the hell out of your other horny university college mates, but now someone else has that chance.

Firework

I cried a little watching this video. Everyone needs to be reminded like this, that within them, there is everything they hoped and ever dreamed for; its just waiting for you to wake up, recognize it and let it blow out like one magnificent, never ending firework, sparkling everywhere and anywhere.

Baby, you’re a firework

Come on, let your colors burst
Make ’em go, oh
You’re gonna leave ’em falling down

Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon
It’s always been inside of you, you, you
And now it’s time to let it through

‘Cause baby you’re a firework
Come on, show ’em what you’re worth
Make ’em go, oh
As you shoot across the sky

Thank you Katy Perry, you have made my day…

 

 

 

Starcrossed

I love him, he is my brother.

In my case, I say “I love her, she is my sister..”

But what do you do when it takes a literal meaning…

Meaning, you don’t just ‘love’ your brother like a ‘brother’, you love him.

You. love. him.

How confusing can the world get for you when suddenly, you’re attracted to the person who knows you like no one else? Can life get more complicated? Can love get more confusing? Yes, it can – When they reciprocate….

I was carelessly checking the regular blogs as I usually do on Mondays and I came across (by chance) the beautiful yet sad tale of “Starcrossed” a feature film barely 15 minutes long, but probably one of those stories I’ll never really forget. The movie is about these two brothers who… share a bond, that is definitely something more than (as its own description put it) filial. And its not hard to understand from the brillant acting… they’re in love.

So, this movie took less than 10 minutes to make my heart melt, but it’ll probably take me atleast the week to getover their suicide. Handcuffed to the lowest rail of a swimming pool ladder, their last breaths escaping their lungs as they kissed, for the last time…

Love has always been just love for me. Being gay makes you think of the possibilities more openly I guess, so I wasn’t that weirded out that I was watching two supposedly biological brothers being rather intimate; kissing, cuddling, hugging ect… For me, they were just two men, in love. But I did have a moment where I just mentally went ‘wait, shouldn’t I be thinking this is wrong!?’ But how could I… Who am I to think I can judge/understand or cast my opinion on what they have? Or anyone else for that matter…And besides, whatever I saw in that movie, the emotion, the attachment, the two brothers showed was just amazing, just utterly amazing… Makes me wish I could find love like that..I mean, really.truly.in.love.with.each.other. That doesn’t happen everyday… And I feel lucky to catch a glimpse of it.

And clichéd’ly enough, as all star-crossed lovers their love led to a tragic demise for the both of them…. A tragic demise, partially because the world wasn’t really that understanding that love knows no understanding, logic or boundary. So here’s most of it…Enjoy!

1-2-3-4

You make it easy
It’s easy as 1 2 1 2 3 4
There’s only one thing
To Do
Three words
For you
(I love you) I love you

Plain White T’s – 1,2,3,4

——————————————————————-

You just know when he or she’s the one, the one that deserves to hear those three words that mean the most to you. It’s not the timing whether its the first second or twelve years later, its not what he or she looked like, where you met him or her… it’s just something inside of you that is just so sure, you guys are just meant to be, from that very first moment you knew to the oncoming decades..

He/She, is the one..the…one…you…love……………….

And now, all you need to do is say those three words, to tell them how you feel…………….So say it! SAY!IT! But you can’t/won’t. The reasons you justify are endless..and then, where do two people who are together go from there?? Why are we so bloody mental? Either we say those three precious words to someone who doesn’t really understand the gravity of that admission, or someone who takes it for granted, or it is to someone who’d use it against you to get what they want….. Life, and this world has lost the meaning of love….. and everything around me is just great big HUGE examples of it all….So taking all those things into consideration, am I to give up looking for that one true person that deserves to hear those three words from me? Someone who’d say them back to me, either at that time or hopefully a little later? I mean is that too much to ask for??

No, God and the Universe.. I want the love of my life, either this very second or in another decade or two… I will wait, I will wait to find someone worth hearing those words from me, someone who’d Give me more loving than I’ve ever had,
Make me feel better when I’m feeling sad, Make me feel good when I hurt so bad Barely getting mad, Give me more loving from the very start, Piece me back together when I fall apart and Tell me things you never even tell your closest friends…………. All because they love me, with no reasons attached.

Yes, its a melodramatic moment. I have so many friends who have supposedly found love, or atleast what they think is love, even what they think is their soulmate, or lover. But some of them or their significant others are mortified of saying such a simple phrase, or even hinting at an inclination of such things! And then there are those who are saying it to the wrong people, I’m just sick of it, sick of all these people ruining Love for people like me, people like me still waiting for someone.. when they have it all, why do they not realize how important and precious it is…

And this Rant is brought to you by The Plain White T’s – 1,2,3,4, a song thats currently on repeat, making me wish I was with someone somewhere grassy, in the shade.. probably under a large tree, like the mango tree in my grandmother’s garden, it had a swing there too….*sigh*

——————————————————————-

1-2-1-2-3-4

Give me more loving than I’ve ever had
Make me feel better when I’m feeling sad
Tell me I’m special even though I know I’m not

Make me feel good when I hurt so bad
Barely getting mad
I’m so glad I found you
I love being around you
You make it easy
Its as easy as 1-2-1-2-3-4

There’s only one thing
To Do
Three words
For you
(I love you) I love you
There’s only one way to say
Those three words
That’s what I’ll do
(I love you) I love you

Give me more loving from the very start
Piece me back together when I fall apart
Tell me things you never even tell your closest friends

Make me feel good when I hurt so bad
You’re the best that I’ve had
And I’m so glad I found you
I love being around you
You make it easy
It’s easy as 1-2-1-2-3-4

There’s only one thing
To Do
Three words
For you
(I love you) I love you
There’s only one way to say
Those three words
That’s what I’ll do
(I love you) I love you
(I love you) I love you

You make it easy
It’s easy as 1 2 1 2 3 4
There’s only one thing
To Do
Three words
For you
(I love you) I love you
There’s only one way to say
Those three words
That’s what I’ll do
(I love you) I love you
(I love you) I love you

1-2-3-4
I love you
(I love you) I love you

By Your Side

You think I’d leave your side baby?
You know me better than that…If only you could see into me…

They embraced, and as their criss-crossed hands gradually shifted to their lower backs… The taller one smiled, looking right into the others deep chocolate brown eyes, a brown you needed to be this close to appreciate, a twinkle in the right eye you noticed only this close, a slightly larger black border on the right you’d never knew existed unless you were this close. So close, your nose touched, lips brushed and…….Vanilla and milk, he tasted like vanilla milk…..with eyes that almost glowed although they were a deep brown, he tasted of vanilla milk; rich, luxurious velvety and warm vanilla milk.

Oh when your cold
I’ll be there
To hold you tight to me
Oh when your alone
I’l be there by your side baby…

Warmth, he was a warmth this cold world couldn’t ever provide.. a warmth he missed when they were apart for longer than a minute.. a warmth only he could provide, a warmth he could never live without…. He twirled his soft curling black hair with one hand as the other just held him closer, so close as if it would be the last time they would ever be able to do that…and yet again, those eyes, those features, those luscious lips…

If only you could see into me….

———————————————————————————————-

*sigh/die x 10000000000000000!*

I’m just recovering from the mesmerizing stripped and intimate version of By Your Side by “Gabe Bondoc” *blush* I can’t think straight everytime he whispers softly into my ear, tantalizing every sensual node in my body! Lol, evertime that guitar hits a note, it creates like this scene in my mind.. Just had to get it out of my head… Atleast I Tried….