What’s Left of You

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I remember you. I remember the beauty in your eyes and your soul, I remember the smile, I remember your heart, I remember what I wanted to protect. I remember your big strong hands, your fair skin, marked by your clumsiness and pride. I remember your head it’s wiry curled crown. I remember all that you were and all that you could be. I also remember your good intentions and painfully, your innocence in all this.

I wish I could say it’s God’s fault for making you perfect. Just perfect for me. But He had other plans for you, plans that don’t involve me. Plans to prosper you and not to undo you with my love. My love for you consumed me, and threatened to consume you too, and everything about you. My love for you which is no more, except for the dregs that circle in my mind as the memories disappear of you and me, as one.

So I remember you now, but you don’t mean the same to me. You don’t feel the same to me. I remember you… but the love that kept you safe in my mind doesn’t protect you anymore, my forgotten love.

My heart forgot you, so my mind only knows what could’ve been all those times my hands slipped over exposed skin. My soul gave up on you, so it wants to corrupt you at any given chance now won. It must burn bridges you don’t even know, because if not, one day my mind will creep in and take what was never mine, just for fun. You didn’t understand the hope you inspired, the lust you fired up. Now the love that protected you is gone,  the monster unchained, but hopefully restrained. But not too quickly. Revenge sounds fun.

It doesn’t forgive as my heart does.. it doesn’t forget like my spirit does, it doesn’t forego as my soul does. My mind seeks vengeance for a heart that was broken. I know what it wants, but I’m not willing to give it. But sometimes it justifies well what might be worthy of damnation. Visions of what could be when my lips know yours for the first to the ten hundredth time. My hands free to know you with no pretense or barrier, with or without your permission. To take what was never consummated. To steal what was never meant to be mine, just because I can, just because I might. Reach out and grab it like eve did, take a bite my body craves, so that I can eat and I will surely forget it lies.

But i know better now. Wiser and stronger thanks to your necessary absence. But still tempted each time you lean in or reach for my hand on reflex, when your leg comfortably rests pasted to mine when seated side by side. I remember what they used to mean, but I remember it in passing, of what was, and what can never be.

Please let what’s left of you peacefully fade.

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Rainy Days

 

Here I am, surrounded by the dull grey of the current weather, my sombre thoughts making me wish I could just crawl back to bed. I don’t know what it is about the rainy season but it makes me lovelorn and depressive. It makes me steel grey like the skies outside surrounded by cold loneliness, assaulted by precious silver tears as heavy as boulders that fall like the rain. I want it to to stop, but part of me likes it, makes me feel like I deserve it.

I wear two rings on my hand that finally felt like they belonged there. They’re both made of silver, one smooth and rounded and a perfect fit for my finger, one a bit larger and patterned. The smooth rounded one was a gift from someone I loved, a love that I still find hard to put away from my thoughts. I always thought that this love would put a ring on the very finger it rests on, not the one I wear now, alone.

I remember lying in his arms, talking  about finally seeing ourselves as one, one day wearing matching bands of precious metal. I told him that they had to be silver though. I always thought gold was a bit tacky, and that what we had was very different. He said okay. One day he’ll propose to me, he’ll give me a silver ring, and we’ll be together forever.

Those were from a happier time, where our love was just a matter of our own. Then things happened that made the matter something not of our own. We could have done things differently, stuck it out through the tough times, but I was made to choose between family, faith and love and for a kid, I was too young to know they were one in the same and that I chose wrong. We parted ways, never to see each other, never speak of what we had. But he was true to his word, he gave me a silver ring, a parting gift of sorts; a smooth and rounded ring, very simillar to a wedding band, cut with a cross that almost splits it in two. He was very thoughtful that way, giving me a bittersweet reminder of what my so called God did to us.

I kept the ring locked away for a few years too saddened to wear it, faced by the horrific reminder of my choices. I was ashamed of what I had done, and what that ring symbolized. Everytime my hand would come across it my little box of treasures, I’d sigh a sad sigh and slip it on for a few seconds wondering how things could’ve been different, how I could’ve been different, and everytime I did slip it on, I became a little different. Bit by bit, I became stronger, I became more confident, more assured and more determined to never have to make decisions I will regret, make decisions that will never hurt the ones I love, the ones I will love. The day I came out, I put the ring on and forever since then, it has been on my hand, a symbol of strength and love. And a little later on, I learnt that faith, family and love were the same thing, and what I once thought was a terrible symbol of what I lost became an affirmation of all the good I have gained.

Till last sunday, I would slip the ring on everytime I left the house, taking it off when I had some work that might damage or dirty it, or when I got back home. I wore the ring on my left ring finger, where it would be if I was still with him. People would joke or ask me why I had it and what it was, and I would tell them simply that it was a gift from my first love, and still is. It was my sunshine in a grey world, a reminder of the good times, the sunny smiles, the warm good things in my life, wishing that maybe one day, that it would be replaced by a real wedding band. But on sunday, I lost the ring. I remember it being on my finger, and with the whirl of activity that was my last sunday. I lost it. Gone. From memory and reality. I tried to find it for the past few days, but everytime I try and fail, it makes me feel worse.

I feel like the green lantern without his ring. Clichéd I know but simply put, it is what it is. The ring was what protected me from my own warring thoughts, my own self depreciation, the acid green envy when I met couples in love or childhood sweethearts. It was the secret ingredient to the elixir that was my happiness. And now, here I am, surrounded by weather far worse than my feelings of forlorn and greydom. And with Sad love songs.

Rainy days, rainy days,

now that you’ve gone far away,

my raindrops fallin’ down my eyes,

you know i’ll never be okay..

Thoughts fade away, fade away,

don’t you know i’m missing you,

here it slowly falls again,

every day and night,

as I open my eyes…

 

Taking Me to Peace…

It was daybreak, or twilight… the latter most probably, the air around had a certain chill.

It was like i barely closed my eyes and woke again, I hate those moments when your randomly jilted into consciousness… It takes some shuffling before I can get back to sleep.

I turned away from the light… and into him? I know I shouldn’t have been surprised, but I was. An arm fell over me and pulled me closer, he was warm and it felt cozier in the shadow he cast over me….I was finding sleep again, and just as the last brief moments i was awake were slipping, he kissed me…slow, taking me there to peace…

Funny how the brain knows what to recall when you least expect it and need it the most!

I was having the crankiest night ever yesterday/today;  I fell asleep in my mums room while talking to her and – mind you i’m a very heavy sleeper – her freaking snoring kept me awake after she fell asleep around 3am (apparently she was looking for something and ended up tidying her room till then). I couldn’t sleep anymore because SHE was SNORING like she had freaking dolomite rolling around in her metal nostrils…

I tried several methods of trying to go back to sleep like hiding my head under the pillow, covering her head with a pillow [note: she slept to the side, i was just cushioning the noise, not suffocating her..lol, although i did consider it at one point in about 20 minutes of shuffling]. But after those 20 minutes, I was quite awake, and I hated every second of it. I may be a heavy sleeper, but once jilted I find it really hard to go back to sleep.

So i went to work, sat at the PC for a bit, ran a scan when one SATA HD was making funny noises. While it was working, i thought i’d lounge around and get the last bits of drowsiness out -lol- i flopped onto my own bed. The sun would be up in less than an hour or two, and already it was getting lighter outside… just as i closed my eyes… I remembered this one specific moment with my Ex.. How ironic that i fell asleep straight after that reminisce…