Private Romeo

MERCUTIO

You are a lover; borrow Cupid’s wings,
And soar with them above a common bound.

 ROMEO

I am too sore enpierced with his shaft
To soar with his light feathers, and so bound,
I cannot bound a pitch above dull woe:
Under love’s heavy burden do I sink.

MERCUTIO

And, to sink in it, should you burden love;
Too great oppression for a tender thing.

ROMEO

Is love a tender thing? it is too rough,
Too rude, too boisterous, and it pricks like thorn.

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Shakespeare’s Romeo & Juliet, Act I – Scene IV.

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It’s been a while since I’ve had a Friday to mull about doing nothing, It’s also been a while since I’ve read or heard Shakespearean prose. Who knew all would come together when I downloaded a copy of “Private Romeo” where I saw the timeless romance play out in a way more relatable and more real than i have ever imagined…. and what an ending!! 😀

To say the least, I loved the movie. Why wouldn’t I when they spoke only in brilliantly portrayed lines directly from the play. And the guy who played Mercutio & Juliet’s Father…. His acting was brilliant.  The movie to me was something so resilient and forbearing, now applied to real life, related in the world where the blockbuster rules and brilliant words and eloquent acting is lost on the wayside… forget the lovers, this movie is my hero.

Most people remember Romeo and Juliet for its undying romance, but for me Romeo and Juliet is a cautionary tale of love ,  and a remarkably good example on the catastrophe love can be.  I think we should count ourselves lucky that we live in a time where love between individuals is nobody else’s business, but Romeo and Juliet were of a time where it involved far more than the two of them. And when there are more than two people involved, there is hell breaking loose every time you blink for a kiss.

Don’t get me wrong, Love is a many splendored thing of course, but love is also a drug we are too mired in to see the effects it has on everything else in our world. Sometimes in love, we loosen other bonds and people but we don’t care because we’re too distracted. Sometimes in love, we also loose sight of responsibilities and things of importance for a momentary infatuation or flight of fancy. Love is truly a matter of the heart, an unbridled passion, but passion if not tempered would lead you down a fiery path.

But in the end, Love really does conquer all. Some sacrifices and losses were worth it in the end. Some shifts of responsibility and bonds all come to good. But is that really how it ends for everyone? Sometimes your own story tends to veer from the path of the fairy tale, but don’t loose courage, don’t loose hope. There might come an opportunity to write your own cautionary tale of love.

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Life is For the Living


Since 2010, the world is abuzz with the rise in suicide by gay teens, one of them especially because he was outed to his peers in the most compromising of ways.  I’m not surprised, even I gotta admit I had flirted with the idea a couple of times when the bullying had been particularly bad, or if I had yet another religious discussion with my family. Hardly something I could avoid, I was meant to be in school and my family was fanatical in their religious beliefs. My only options were live as I was where I was, conform to the norm, or what? run away? live on my own?? Sri Lanka isn’t one of those places you can be independent as a teen.

I was never one of those people who did a good job at lying, I’m not one those people who suddenly discovered they were gay; I was gay from as early as my toddler days, it was boys always and I have absolutely no doubt about it! So then, how do you lie about something that is such a huge part of your psyche, and keep it up all soo well? I was failing miserably right throughout my attempts.

Sometimes life got tough or even unbearable and I would just reach this point and think, why do I have to go through this hurt? Why do I have to tolerate this pain and disappointment from the world around me? People keep saying it gets better, but it looks to me like it’s just getting worse and then there would be that thought; Why bother with all this, it could end in a matter of seconds, if only I could end it all.

I guess it’s just not the gay’s and lesbians that feel the need to consider Suicide, everyone has their own problems whether they are 6 or 62. Last year around January, when I started work at my new office, two of the guys were talking about how a friend of theirs had committed suicide. I didn’t even think twice to pay attention; people die, people always and most often die, it was just a fact of life I’ve grown accustom to, even if it was a young person. I had come to a place where life and death evoked an ignorant and indifferent reaction. It disgusted me when a weekend later, I found out this was someone I had known relatively well a few years back, but sync’ed out of interaction as social circles changed.

It was no big secret in Colombo my friend Ashan had committed suicide, i was just the dumb fuck that didn’t know it was him. In a strange twist of fate, I think i was one of the last few people to talk to him, albeit on facebook a day before he took his life. He’d commented on something i posted and I messaged him saying ‘hey, long time no see…’, we chatted random nonsense, about where we were in life at the moment, and that was that, conversation just went offline. I don’t even think we were friends in the true’st sense.. he was more of a comfortable and endearing acquaintance. He was a nice boy, someone his parents and friends could be proud of knowing… gone before we even knew what was going on..

No goodbye, no ‘hey, i’m going through something’, no way of seeing his beautiful face and that pretty smile that never carried to his eyes. Not knowing that something was wrong with one of the nicest boys I ever knew, although it was random and very brief our interactions. I used to drop Ashan home sometimes, I would run into him or he’d pop up in conversation because of the many mutual friends we shared. He was sweet, funny, entertaining and yet something was just not right. You’d see it in those awkward moments of silence, when you can’t ad-lib life. A brief flash of reality that let the real Ashan out of the bag. But i was not even a friend, i never bothered more than knowing it was there. But here i was, the acquaintance with a grave full of guilt and despair over a life that was lost too early because I didn’t know him well enough. It was a terrible feeling to have, this grief of knowing someone is alive one day, and dead a few days later. To be only left with memories of fleeting hello’s and stolen moments of interaction. What was worse was the guilt, of knowing i was one of the last people to talk to him, and wondering if i could have said something to change his mind. Well, I guess we’ll never know now…

I had heard Ashan has suffered some heavy losses even before he hit his teens, I even heard his living environment wasn’t the most ideal of situations. Recently I went to visit a friend who lived a few no’s down from him and Ashan’s seemed like a nice big house; I guess it wasn’t the home he needed. And finally I had heard the truth behind his tragic and too-early demise a few months ago, and I just loathed myself for not knowing him enough to hear it and tell him life goes on.

But coming back to me, Sure i flirted with the question as well, but the answer I chose was always a resounding No. I can’t explain the exact how’s and why’s but something in me never let myself be a victim of the darkness I felt around me. I had pockets of tiny light, little gifts of hope in my God and my faith in him (no matter what anyone told me), I had friends who were loving and supportive when I couldn’t get it from my family and I had me, when all else fades, I had me… my own light brighter than the rest. A spark in me that refused to settle, refused to die, refused to be dimmed. If all of life failed me, I knew I was worth depending and holding out on. If life was going to fight me for it, I was adamant that I would give it a fight worth remembering. And i’m so happy i did… Life does get better, it got shitty before it got better, but it did get better after all.

So Ashan, life is too long to let someone live without you. I hate knowing you won’t answer my facebook messages, and my phone calls. I barely knew you, but I liked the little i knew about you, and if i could make a judgement call based on what i know, you were an awesome dude, and I wished I had the chance to get to know you better.

For anyone and everyone who I’ve never personally known who is reading this… know that you matter to the people you least expect to make an impact on, and that life has its shitty moments that make you think suicide is actually an option to consider and equally or greater moments of epic happiness and good things. I gotto admit suicide seems like a good option sometimes, and it might seem like a damn good choice in certain cases, but if you can find the strength and the courage to say you’ll give one more day a try, five more minutes a chance, 10 more seconds to smile and have a little more faith in what your life holds for you, you’ll be happy you did. And chances are, you won’t be leaving behind people who were very sad you are gone. I for one, would be one of those people.. =)

So Tyler Clementi, and all the other suicides that have happened, so sad you had to go… but know that the It gets better project, and this post would never be around if it weren’t for your suicide; so something good did come of it, just wish it didn’t have to be at your expense. It’s sadness that you are not in this world, finding love, sexing the hell out of your other horny university college mates, but now someone else has that chance.

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I first met him when i was barely in my teens; my blue haired, total black wearing, swimmer body days (Yes, I was that guy everyone thought spent too much time watching late-night 90’s Mtv goth specials, and yes, it’s the moment in time my body was at the perfect hight and the perfect definition that I’m yet to achieve). But he saw me, he walked straight upto me with a big grin, 7 stitches across his forehead and gave me a big ‘hi!’ that was a little too enthusiastic for a guy who fell off his roof just 2 days ago. Oh yeah, and he gave me a glass of fanta.

He was a little shorter than me but i don’t mind, his jokes really need a bit of thought though. He was a few years older, I was somewhat wiser,  it was an instant click, it was like I knew him for years. We covered music, movies (my two great loves), we spoke about the common enemy(sisters) and common friends and ……… well, the shared love for Bockwurst Sausages (Give me a break, it was a BBQ!).  There was something soo….nice about him. Something soo……..comfortable about him. Something soo………………….perfect?

Over the next few years and months we’d become on and off friends, chatted a bit here and there when we ran into each other occasionally and then regularly; Colombo is a small place really. These little instances helped me form a perfect picture about him, something that went beyond the boy with the banged face I met all those years ago, something beyond the permanant scar he had on his forehead now. Something soo……… attractive? Yes, I’d just discovered what fancying boys was called, and that it was all right, just as long as no one knows.  Then we became more closer friends…

Suddenly seeing him take his shirt off in public or when it was just the two of us made me want to turn away, and look at the same time. Suddenly, the close proximity while playing video games became uncomfortable, and comfortable. Suddenly the rough rolling and tumbling just felt so wrong, so right so fast. Suddenly lying in the same bed side by side made me wish there was a rift in space that would separate us and also a time paradox that would allow this moment to be on repeat. Suddenly feeding him ice cream made me cringe, and cry. Suddenly when he falls asleep and slides across the sofa onto my shoulder it makes me want to run away and leave him there, and take his glasses off, put his head on my lap and never get up, how could I, I wouldn’t want to disturb that peaceful face while I memorize each tiny detail into my never forgetting memory. Suddenly other things we did together were taking on a new meaning. Suddenly, I was in love.

A love that made me very jealous that he had pretty girls always surrounding him, and other guys. A love that made me very annoyed that he didn’t spend enough time with me, a love that made me question and secretly wish he chose differently when it came to decisions about his future, because I’d be more of part of it. But alas, life had other plans, a blessing in disguise, life – she really is. Life brought her mother reality, reality brought her friend responsibility and her annoying snotty son education and I was to get acquainted well, just like he did. Days, Months and Years passed and those strong ties we developed were undone one by one almost unknowingly. Well, all except for maybe two; the memories that he was ever-present in and probably those silly daydreams one never really forgets when they make plans for there future. How easy it is to dream, an entire reality can exist in it and reality itself can not. I treasured these day dreams, drawing on them when cruel life thought to remind me of the past, and the present was taunting my existence. Always looking to what could be seemed almost as good as a tub of the purest vanilla Ice cream…

Colombo really is a small place really. Like sparks of light in the night, I’d see him in a sea of faces, a body of bodies. That barely there mustache had expanded to a shadow across his face, the hair always seemed different, the weight and body shape too, but the scar on his forehead always a constant, together with his big grin and metal melting gaze. He could be near death, hairless, toothless and blind, I’d still see him for that boy a bit shorter than me, a bit amusing, scar on forehead, big smile, and the boy I loved first.

So yeah, Colombo really is a small place really. He smiled and waved at me at a mall once and, I was mad with glee. A few months ago he saw me outside a restaurant and offered to give me a lift even though i live miles away from him; i almost died of an aneurysm. And he just wrote on my wall, I felt butterflies while waiting for the fucking page to load. But then I pause on his picture for far too long and that sickly sweet blood rush feeling gets replaced with a cold that makes you look away. … because, he doesn’t even know. He doesn’t even know that I think of him as more than the friends we were, that I had more than the friends we were in mind. And part of me wishes he never does, because I rather adore from afar than confess my true feelings and shatter the small dregs of interaction that makes my heart leap every time.

And then I found out, he’s getting married.

Now can you hear the glass window, both ornate and beautiful, that were my dreams, shatter. Now you need to hear me walk over the pieces and beyond the window, out into the world.

Starcrossed

I love him, he is my brother.

In my case, I say “I love her, she is my sister..”

But what do you do when it takes a literal meaning…

Meaning, you don’t just ‘love’ your brother like a ‘brother’, you love him.

You. love. him.

How confusing can the world get for you when suddenly, you’re attracted to the person who knows you like no one else? Can life get more complicated? Can love get more confusing? Yes, it can – When they reciprocate….

I was carelessly checking the regular blogs as I usually do on Mondays and I came across (by chance) the beautiful yet sad tale of “Starcrossed” a feature film barely 15 minutes long, but probably one of those stories I’ll never really forget. The movie is about these two brothers who… share a bond, that is definitely something more than (as its own description put it) filial. And its not hard to understand from the brillant acting… they’re in love.

So, this movie took less than 10 minutes to make my heart melt, but it’ll probably take me atleast the week to getover their suicide. Handcuffed to the lowest rail of a swimming pool ladder, their last breaths escaping their lungs as they kissed, for the last time…

Love has always been just love for me. Being gay makes you think of the possibilities more openly I guess, so I wasn’t that weirded out that I was watching two supposedly biological brothers being rather intimate; kissing, cuddling, hugging ect… For me, they were just two men, in love. But I did have a moment where I just mentally went ‘wait, shouldn’t I be thinking this is wrong!?’ But how could I… Who am I to think I can judge/understand or cast my opinion on what they have? Or anyone else for that matter…And besides, whatever I saw in that movie, the emotion, the attachment, the two brothers showed was just amazing, just utterly amazing… Makes me wish I could find love like that..I mean, really.truly.in.love.with.each.other. That doesn’t happen everyday… And I feel lucky to catch a glimpse of it.

And clichéd’ly enough, as all star-crossed lovers their love led to a tragic demise for the both of them…. A tragic demise, partially because the world wasn’t really that understanding that love knows no understanding, logic or boundary. So here’s most of it…Enjoy!

1-2-3-4

You make it easy
It’s easy as 1 2 1 2 3 4
There’s only one thing
To Do
Three words
For you
(I love you) I love you

Plain White T’s – 1,2,3,4

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You just know when he or she’s the one, the one that deserves to hear those three words that mean the most to you. It’s not the timing whether its the first second or twelve years later, its not what he or she looked like, where you met him or her… it’s just something inside of you that is just so sure, you guys are just meant to be, from that very first moment you knew to the oncoming decades..

He/She, is the one..the…one…you…love……………….

And now, all you need to do is say those three words, to tell them how you feel…………….So say it! SAY!IT! But you can’t/won’t. The reasons you justify are endless..and then, where do two people who are together go from there?? Why are we so bloody mental? Either we say those three precious words to someone who doesn’t really understand the gravity of that admission, or someone who takes it for granted, or it is to someone who’d use it against you to get what they want….. Life, and this world has lost the meaning of love….. and everything around me is just great big HUGE examples of it all….So taking all those things into consideration, am I to give up looking for that one true person that deserves to hear those three words from me? Someone who’d say them back to me, either at that time or hopefully a little later? I mean is that too much to ask for??

No, God and the Universe.. I want the love of my life, either this very second or in another decade or two… I will wait, I will wait to find someone worth hearing those words from me, someone who’d Give me more loving than I’ve ever had,
Make me feel better when I’m feeling sad, Make me feel good when I hurt so bad Barely getting mad, Give me more loving from the very start, Piece me back together when I fall apart and Tell me things you never even tell your closest friends…………. All because they love me, with no reasons attached.

Yes, its a melodramatic moment. I have so many friends who have supposedly found love, or atleast what they think is love, even what they think is their soulmate, or lover. But some of them or their significant others are mortified of saying such a simple phrase, or even hinting at an inclination of such things! And then there are those who are saying it to the wrong people, I’m just sick of it, sick of all these people ruining Love for people like me, people like me still waiting for someone.. when they have it all, why do they not realize how important and precious it is…

And this Rant is brought to you by The Plain White T’s – 1,2,3,4, a song thats currently on repeat, making me wish I was with someone somewhere grassy, in the shade.. probably under a large tree, like the mango tree in my grandmother’s garden, it had a swing there too….*sigh*

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1-2-1-2-3-4

Give me more loving than I’ve ever had
Make me feel better when I’m feeling sad
Tell me I’m special even though I know I’m not

Make me feel good when I hurt so bad
Barely getting mad
I’m so glad I found you
I love being around you
You make it easy
Its as easy as 1-2-1-2-3-4

There’s only one thing
To Do
Three words
For you
(I love you) I love you
There’s only one way to say
Those three words
That’s what I’ll do
(I love you) I love you

Give me more loving from the very start
Piece me back together when I fall apart
Tell me things you never even tell your closest friends

Make me feel good when I hurt so bad
You’re the best that I’ve had
And I’m so glad I found you
I love being around you
You make it easy
It’s easy as 1-2-1-2-3-4

There’s only one thing
To Do
Three words
For you
(I love you) I love you
There’s only one way to say
Those three words
That’s what I’ll do
(I love you) I love you
(I love you) I love you

You make it easy
It’s easy as 1 2 1 2 3 4
There’s only one thing
To Do
Three words
For you
(I love you) I love you
There’s only one way to say
Those three words
That’s what I’ll do
(I love you) I love you
(I love you) I love you

1-2-3-4
I love you
(I love you) I love you