When The Tree Meets The Vine

 

There will be a certain poetry to your ways,

a charm and grace above your days,

a wit quite sublime,

a sense of humor that lets me know you are truly mine.

 

I may not have your beauty, but maybe a touch of the divine,

I have wisdom, and I have my eyes,

That ever see, and tell me what will be,

And what more will I need,

When you will be mine.

 

We will meet, like lovers destined to meet,

and forever else, from that point onwards,

our lives shall be like one, like a vine and a tree,

growing together, one on the other,

till we become one, or one kills the other.

 

We will quarrel like only lovers can,

We will make love,

Like the Spanish dance,

We will play games to which only we know the rules,

Following a prize which we may choose,

 

We will know each other like only lovers can,

We will love each other  like only two hearts can,

But first, lets meet, when our destinies intwine,

when your face will meet mine,

When the tree meets the vine…

Rainy Days

 

Here I am, surrounded by the dull grey of the current weather, my sombre thoughts making me wish I could just crawl back to bed. I don’t know what it is about the rainy season but it makes me lovelorn and depressive. It makes me steel grey like the skies outside surrounded by cold loneliness, assaulted by precious silver tears as heavy as boulders that fall like the rain. I want it to to stop, but part of me likes it, makes me feel like I deserve it.

I wear two rings on my hand that finally felt like they belonged there. They’re both made of silver, one smooth and rounded and a perfect fit for my finger, one a bit larger and patterned. The smooth rounded one was a gift from someone I loved, a love that I still find hard to put away from my thoughts. I always thought that this love would put a ring on the very finger it rests on, not the one I wear now, alone.

I remember lying in his arms, talking  about finally seeing ourselves as one, one day wearing matching bands of precious metal. I told him that they had to be silver though. I always thought gold was a bit tacky, and that what we had was very different. He said okay. One day he’ll propose to me, he’ll give me a silver ring, and we’ll be together forever.

Those were from a happier time, where our love was just a matter of our own. Then things happened that made the matter something not of our own. We could have done things differently, stuck it out through the tough times, but I was made to choose between family, faith and love and for a kid, I was too young to know they were one in the same and that I chose wrong. We parted ways, never to see each other, never speak of what we had. But he was true to his word, he gave me a silver ring, a parting gift of sorts; a smooth and rounded ring, very simillar to a wedding band, cut with a cross that almost splits it in two. He was very thoughtful that way, giving me a bittersweet reminder of what my so called God did to us.

I kept the ring locked away for a few years too saddened to wear it, faced by the horrific reminder of my choices. I was ashamed of what I had done, and what that ring symbolized. Everytime my hand would come across it my little box of treasures, I’d sigh a sad sigh and slip it on for a few seconds wondering how things could’ve been different, how I could’ve been different, and everytime I did slip it on, I became a little different. Bit by bit, I became stronger, I became more confident, more assured and more determined to never have to make decisions I will regret, make decisions that will never hurt the ones I love, the ones I will love. The day I came out, I put the ring on and forever since then, it has been on my hand, a symbol of strength and love. And a little later on, I learnt that faith, family and love were the same thing, and what I once thought was a terrible symbol of what I lost became an affirmation of all the good I have gained.

Till last sunday, I would slip the ring on everytime I left the house, taking it off when I had some work that might damage or dirty it, or when I got back home. I wore the ring on my left ring finger, where it would be if I was still with him. People would joke or ask me why I had it and what it was, and I would tell them simply that it was a gift from my first love, and still is. It was my sunshine in a grey world, a reminder of the good times, the sunny smiles, the warm good things in my life, wishing that maybe one day, that it would be replaced by a real wedding band. But on sunday, I lost the ring. I remember it being on my finger, and with the whirl of activity that was my last sunday. I lost it. Gone. From memory and reality. I tried to find it for the past few days, but everytime I try and fail, it makes me feel worse.

I feel like the green lantern without his ring. Clichéd I know but simply put, it is what it is. The ring was what protected me from my own warring thoughts, my own self depreciation, the acid green envy when I met couples in love or childhood sweethearts. It was the secret ingredient to the elixir that was my happiness. And now, here I am, surrounded by weather far worse than my feelings of forlorn and greydom. And with Sad love songs.

Rainy days, rainy days,

now that you’ve gone far away,

my raindrops fallin’ down my eyes,

you know i’ll never be okay..

Thoughts fade away, fade away,

don’t you know i’m missing you,

here it slowly falls again,

every day and night,

as I open my eyes…

 

Family Portrait – For Blacky

Here’s something I thought the blacklight needed to hear from her tubelight, in reply to her family portrait. The peach can also read noh? hehe

all three by ~freakinjeans

A family is a family

when there is love,

where you could live happily,

where you fit like a glove,

–

your not born in to a family,

your born into love,

if that love is not found there,

just look beyond and above,

–

just somewhere out there,

without a doubt,

love can be found there,

as i did find out,

–

so put back your portrait,

of the family of four,

a new portrait can be made,

as you step out the door,

–

But remember this,

you did come from that place,

from a family of four,

that found you a place,

–

it may have not been perfect,

it may have not been love,

but there was something there,

that was given from above.

–

i take that girl,

that felt no emotion,

i take that cold heat,

and give it a solution,

–

with fire you may burn,

that family portrait,

but with water i bring,

total absolution,

–

as deep calls to deep,

i know he calls unto you,

he is a love that you can keep,

he is waiting for you,

–

he gave me some hope,

he gave me a dream,

he brought me closer,

and he brought me you,

–

you say you’re the blacklight,

but i know its not true,

i know the light within you,

a bright light that is true,

–

he gave me back a famliy,

he also gave me you,

you may not know it,

but your part of my family too,

–

so don’t ever look back,

and think of your past,

you know you have me,

i hope you see that now, at last,

–

you have me the tubelight,

you have also the peach,

you have that little joshy,

you have love that is sweet,

–

so make that new family portrait,

of a new family of four,

where you could live happily,

in peace forever, evermore..

Photographs and Memories

I keep your picture by my bed for when im feeling sad
And i dont know why i would be.
The way your smile looks so real
I feel like i could start to understand your grace.
And i dont understand why you’re
Not here with me.
And i dont even wanna know where else
You’d be.

Cause i have photographs and memories of the times
When you weren’t on my mind and i was alone.
And i have poetry and drawings of my life
When you weren’t on my side and i didn’t know
Just what is love…

Writing moments on the wall with different colors
Keeps my mind away from missing you.
And i can’t wait to fall asleep to slip into my dreams
Where we can dance upon a star..
And i will be as patient as a boy in love could ever be.
Cause i don’t feel like i was real until you were
A part of me.

I need you back, i need you back

I need you here.
I need your smile, i need your eyes
I need you dear.
Cause every line on your face makes a beautiful maze
For my eyes to trace…

Now that is what i call a love song! Photograph’s and Memories is a song by Jason Reeves, the writer and original singer of the song “Terrified” that has been sung by Katherine Mcphee and Kara Dioguardi, but i think he sings it better than both of them! hehehe. Check out his Album “The Magnificent Adventures of Heartache ” for more amazingly written and sung songs by him! It’s pure artistry.. Someday i can only hope to be a better songwriter like him!!

Starcrossed

I love him, he is my brother.

In my case, I say “I love her, she is my sister..”

But what do you do when it takes a literal meaning…

Meaning, you don’t just ‘love’ your brother like a ‘brother’, you love him.

You. love. him.

How confusing can the world get for you when suddenly, you’re attracted to the person who knows you like no one else? Can life get more complicated? Can love get more confusing? Yes, it can – When they reciprocate….

I was carelessly checking the regular blogs as I usually do on Mondays and I came across (by chance) the beautiful yet sad tale of “Starcrossed” a feature film barely 15 minutes long, but probably one of those stories I’ll never really forget. The movie is about these two brothers who… share a bond, that is definitely something more than (as its own description put it) filial. And its not hard to understand from the brillant acting… they’re in love.

So, this movie took less than 10 minutes to make my heart melt, but it’ll probably take me atleast the week to getover their suicide. Handcuffed to the lowest rail of a swimming pool ladder, their last breaths escaping their lungs as they kissed, for the last time…

Love has always been just love for me. Being gay makes you think of the possibilities more openly I guess, so I wasn’t that weirded out that I was watching two supposedly biological brothers being rather intimate; kissing, cuddling, hugging ect… For me, they were just two men, in love. But I did have a moment where I just mentally went ‘wait, shouldn’t I be thinking this is wrong!?’ But how could I… Who am I to think I can judge/understand or cast my opinion on what they have? Or anyone else for that matter…And besides, whatever I saw in that movie, the emotion, the attachment, the two brothers showed was just amazing, just utterly amazing… Makes me wish I could find love like that..I mean, really.truly.in.love.with.each.other. That doesn’t happen everyday… And I feel lucky to catch a glimpse of it.

And clichéd’ly enough, as all star-crossed lovers their love led to a tragic demise for the both of them…. A tragic demise, partially because the world wasn’t really that understanding that love knows no understanding, logic or boundary. So here’s most of it…Enjoy!

My Sunday Mornings and My Tuesday Evenings

Yesterday I was youtube surfing and came across this video, and when I was at ‘church’ and something ‘the preacher’ said made me think how lucky I am too.

I use the inverted comma’s as I highly doubt you could call my church a ‘church’ – it’s just a gathering of friends and family who want to hang out, talk about some interesting things and about a new way of living; the ‘preacher’ – lol – is more a teacher and a friend who’s just speaking about something he found interesting, something that we might probably find interesting as well. There may or may not be some songs sung, there definetely is some dancing and jumping involved, some clapping too… nobody is forced to do so, some like to, some don’t like to, so they sit it out or something like that… and we all chat for a bit later, then either go hang out or go home for lunch/dinner.

Now i know so many people canvas their church or some Christianity-related meeting like that so that they might be able to drag a friend or some unwilling victim with some lunacy thinking they need to convert every living soul they know, lest they goto hell or some nonsense like that.

Hell, I used to think like that too..But, I am lucky…It really is just as I said it for me now. I know God as I always Thought I would/should and my understanding of him is insane to explain..hehe, and here I am, at a place where my christian family is supportive of me, where I have an awsome relationship with the God that is supposedly behind a great amount of condemnation of Gay’s everywhere, living my life, happy and blessed~

I’ve been to quite a few churches, catholic and the various forms of christian… basically i’ve been able to experience ‘the God experience’ from many perspectives. God knows, lol – not many suited my palette, I think its because deep down I had my own idea what “the God experience” should be like. Something that definetely wasn’t hell-bent of making me feel like such a lowlife, something that was so fixated on playing emotional/mind games with me so that i might volunteer time and money to further their own organized religion based causes like some kind of twisted pyramid scheme- where, if you manage to bring enough people to ‘the kingdom’ and managed to live an outwardly morally-upright life… you can go past and collect an eternity of sunshine filled happiness, or else – your doomed!

*sigh* how many fall for that one! Even I did… And then there was the fact I was….. what was the exact term. hmm – ah yes! PERVERTED HOMOSEXUAL SINNER! How could i forget that epitaph… The time they spent in convincing me that I WAS UNWORTHY OF RECEIVING THE LOVE AND THAT CAME FREE BECAUSE OF SOMETHING I HAD NO CHOICE OVER, A love and a life of blessing that was mine irrelevant to whatever I do or choose to be.

The miracle was that all through that, I still held on to this almost strange thought that… irrelevant to what they say, I know God loves me…somehow, someway…and that someday, i will come to love him back, and i have my ‘church’ to thank for that!!

Click below to read the lyrics of this beautiful song….

1-2-3-4

You make it easy
It’s easy as 1 2 1 2 3 4
There’s only one thing
To Do
Three words
For you
(I love you) I love you

Plain White T’s – 1,2,3,4

——————————————————————-

You just know when he or she’s the one, the one that deserves to hear those three words that mean the most to you. It’s not the timing whether its the first second or twelve years later, its not what he or she looked like, where you met him or her… it’s just something inside of you that is just so sure, you guys are just meant to be, from that very first moment you knew to the oncoming decades..

He/She, is the one..the…one…you…love……………….

And now, all you need to do is say those three words, to tell them how you feel…………….So say it! SAY!IT! But you can’t/won’t. The reasons you justify are endless..and then, where do two people who are together go from there?? Why are we so bloody mental? Either we say those three precious words to someone who doesn’t really understand the gravity of that admission, or someone who takes it for granted, or it is to someone who’d use it against you to get what they want….. Life, and this world has lost the meaning of love….. and everything around me is just great big HUGE examples of it all….So taking all those things into consideration, am I to give up looking for that one true person that deserves to hear those three words from me? Someone who’d say them back to me, either at that time or hopefully a little later? I mean is that too much to ask for??

No, God and the Universe.. I want the love of my life, either this very second or in another decade or two… I will wait, I will wait to find someone worth hearing those words from me, someone who’d Give me more loving than I’ve ever had,
Make me feel better when I’m feeling sad, Make me feel good when I hurt so bad Barely getting mad, Give me more loving from the very start, Piece me back together when I fall apart and Tell me things you never even tell your closest friends…………. All because they love me, with no reasons attached.

Yes, its a melodramatic moment. I have so many friends who have supposedly found love, or atleast what they think is love, even what they think is their soulmate, or lover. But some of them or their significant others are mortified of saying such a simple phrase, or even hinting at an inclination of such things! And then there are those who are saying it to the wrong people, I’m just sick of it, sick of all these people ruining Love for people like me, people like me still waiting for someone.. when they have it all, why do they not realize how important and precious it is…

And this Rant is brought to you by The Plain White T’s – 1,2,3,4, a song thats currently on repeat, making me wish I was with someone somewhere grassy, in the shade.. probably under a large tree, like the mango tree in my grandmother’s garden, it had a swing there too….*sigh*

——————————————————————-

1-2-1-2-3-4

Give me more loving than I’ve ever had
Make me feel better when I’m feeling sad
Tell me I’m special even though I know I’m not

Make me feel good when I hurt so bad
Barely getting mad
I’m so glad I found you
I love being around you
You make it easy
Its as easy as 1-2-1-2-3-4

There’s only one thing
To Do
Three words
For you
(I love you) I love you
There’s only one way to say
Those three words
That’s what I’ll do
(I love you) I love you

Give me more loving from the very start
Piece me back together when I fall apart
Tell me things you never even tell your closest friends

Make me feel good when I hurt so bad
You’re the best that I’ve had
And I’m so glad I found you
I love being around you
You make it easy
It’s easy as 1-2-1-2-3-4

There’s only one thing
To Do
Three words
For you
(I love you) I love you
There’s only one way to say
Those three words
That’s what I’ll do
(I love you) I love you
(I love you) I love you

You make it easy
It’s easy as 1 2 1 2 3 4
There’s only one thing
To Do
Three words
For you
(I love you) I love you
There’s only one way to say
Those three words
That’s what I’ll do
(I love you) I love you
(I love you) I love you

1-2-3-4
I love you
(I love you) I love you

By Your Side

You think I’d leave your side baby?
You know me better than that…If only you could see into me…

They embraced, and as their criss-crossed hands gradually shifted to their lower backs… The taller one smiled, looking right into the others deep chocolate brown eyes, a brown you needed to be this close to appreciate, a twinkle in the right eye you noticed only this close, a slightly larger black border on the right you’d never knew existed unless you were this close. So close, your nose touched, lips brushed and…….Vanilla and milk, he tasted like vanilla milk…..with eyes that almost glowed although they were a deep brown, he tasted of vanilla milk; rich, luxurious velvety and warm vanilla milk.

Oh when your cold
I’ll be there
To hold you tight to me
Oh when your alone
I’l be there by your side baby…

Warmth, he was a warmth this cold world couldn’t ever provide.. a warmth he missed when they were apart for longer than a minute.. a warmth only he could provide, a warmth he could never live without…. He twirled his soft curling black hair with one hand as the other just held him closer, so close as if it would be the last time they would ever be able to do that…and yet again, those eyes, those features, those luscious lips…

If only you could see into me….

———————————————————————————————-

*sigh/die x 10000000000000000!*

I’m just recovering from the mesmerizing stripped and intimate version of By Your Side by “Gabe Bondoc” *blush* I can’t think straight everytime he whispers softly into my ear, tantalizing every sensual node in my body! Lol, evertime that guitar hits a note, it creates like this scene in my mind.. Just had to get it out of my head… Atleast I Tried….

Taking Me to Peace…

It was daybreak, or twilight… the latter most probably, the air around had a certain chill.

It was like i barely closed my eyes and woke again, I hate those moments when your randomly jilted into consciousness… It takes some shuffling before I can get back to sleep.

I turned away from the light… and into him? I know I shouldn’t have been surprised, but I was. An arm fell over me and pulled me closer, he was warm and it felt cozier in the shadow he cast over me….I was finding sleep again, and just as the last brief moments i was awake were slipping, he kissed me…slow, taking me there to peace…

Funny how the brain knows what to recall when you least expect it and need it the most!

I was having the crankiest night ever yesterday/today;  I fell asleep in my mums room while talking to her and – mind you i’m a very heavy sleeper – her freaking snoring kept me awake after she fell asleep around 3am (apparently she was looking for something and ended up tidying her room till then). I couldn’t sleep anymore because SHE was SNORING like she had freaking dolomite rolling around in her metal nostrils…

I tried several methods of trying to go back to sleep like hiding my head under the pillow, covering her head with a pillow [note: she slept to the side, i was just cushioning the noise, not suffocating her..lol, although i did consider it at one point in about 20 minutes of shuffling]. But after those 20 minutes, I was quite awake, and I hated every second of it. I may be a heavy sleeper, but once jilted I find it really hard to go back to sleep.

So i went to work, sat at the PC for a bit, ran a scan when one SATA HD was making funny noises. While it was working, i thought i’d lounge around and get the last bits of drowsiness out -lol- i flopped onto my own bed. The sun would be up in less than an hour or two, and already it was getting lighter outside… just as i closed my eyes… I remembered this one specific moment with my Ex.. How ironic that i fell asleep straight after that reminisce…

I Haven’t Met You Yet

You can call me sad, delusional, cliché  and all kinds of crazy, but I’m waiting… I’m waiting for Mr. Right! I know I have a list of qualities and qualifications, and however impossible they may be, I’m waiting…..because.he.is.worth.it! And this song totally reminds me that I’m right…

Look below for the lyrics